Developing a fearful-avoiding attachment style isn’t your fault. Attachment patterns form from your earliest infancy through childhood, well before you had any conscious control over your life circumstances. However, it is ultimately your responsibility to heal fearful avoidant attachment. 

Refusing to do so often leads to repeated devastating life events that further the cycle of negativity and maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. Recovery isn’t easy, but always worth it. Here are two methods that may help you, depending on your background, availability of resources and unique life trajectory. 

A Brief Overview of Fearful Avoidant Attachment and What Causes It

Fearful avoidant attachment is also known as disorganized attachment. It’s most common in those raised in abusive and neglectful households where the primary caregiver was unable to attend to their child’s needs. Instead, that caregiver was the source of terror as much as love and support. 

As a result, the child desperately craves healthy relationships — but has no model for how to form one. Sadly, such individuals often go on to repeat past abusive patterns in future partnerships, preventing the genuine attachment necessary for recovery. 

They may swing between emotional extremes of love and hate and act in selfish, controlling and untrusting ways. They may also abuse alcohol and drugs, as they beat themselves up as much as they do others. Seeking oblivion may represent an attempt to assuage their guilt but inevitably ends up furthering destructive patterns and further deteriorating relationships. 

The “Extrovert” Method to Heal Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Learning to heal fearful avoidant attachment is a prerequisite for forming healthy relationships. However, the mere thought of flying solo is too much for many who thrive on contact with others, thanks to their generally extroverted nature. You need support — but finding the right kind matters. 

Your best place to start is often professional therapy. However, extroverts with a fearful avoidant attachment style have one advantage, even if they face financial difficulties in affording care. Many such individuals thrive in support group-style environments, and you can often find such groups available online and in person, free of charge. 

Keep an open mind. The best group for you may not deal with fearful avoidant attachment specifically but may focus on addiction, dysfunctional relationships or emotional regulation. However, all of them offer opportunities to connect with others who may have overcome similar traumas. Finding someone who “gets it” is often an invaluable first step on your healing journey. You can then support and uplift each other as you walk down your mutual paths toward healing. 

Boundary Setting and Healing Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Another extroverted method of healing fearful avoidant attachment is forming healthy, positive attachments with others — which is trickier than it sounds. Why? It’s easy to fall in with people who perpetuate maladaptive old patterns and become enmeshed, especially if you never learned to set boundaries in childhood. 

Learn to identify what makes a relationship healthy and only form deep bonds with those who emulate qualities such as:

• They communicate respectfully: They don’t hurl insults at you and take the time to listen to your side in disputes before handing down one-sided ultimatums. 
• They honor your basic needs: A healthy friend, colleague or partner wouldn’t ask you to do something that violated your principles or could cause you harm, such as engaging in substance use or criminal activity. 
• They express gratitude: They tell you they’re happy for your presence in their life instead of dragging you down with endless criticism and negativity. 

The “Introvert” Method to Heal Fearful Avoidant Attachment 

Those with essentially introverted temperaments may take a slightly different approach to healing fearful avoidant attachment. The problem compounds among those who are not neurotypical. Such individuals have often heard the repeated message that even innocent actions are “wrong” and “bad,” while others have endured outright abuse as others attempted to modify their behavior. Is it any wonder they hesitate to connect with others? 

The introverted method to heal fearful avoidant attachment involves forming a secure attachment with yourself. Ultimately, creating a secure sense of self is crucial to introverts and extroverts. However, the former might not be able to do so through the help and reflection of other people, especially if they are neurodiverse. Repeated, failed attempts at connection increase feelings of isolation and “otherness.”

Forming a secure attachment with yourself is easier with the guidance of a trained therapist. However, not everyone can afford treatment, with those who need it the most often left out in the cold. Even those with healthcare access may struggle to find a counselor with whom they can connect. One other tool may help, and fortunately, it’s accessible to everyone. 

Using Mindfulness to Heal Fearful Avoidant Attachment 

How can you form a secure attachment with yourself if you can’t look to others as a guide? Mindfulness exercises can help you reunite with yourself at the source, determine who you are and what your values are and move toward a more secure attachment style. 

Mindfulness practices provide you with a safe therapeutic healing space you build yourself. They create a judgment-free zone where you can examine your thoughts and behaviors by stepping outside of them as a neutral observer. Doing so provides insight into why you behave as you do and creates room to consider different, healthier approaches. Your mindfulness practice might take the form of:

• A daily yoga or meditation routine 
• Working in the garden 
• Walking in nature 

Furthermore, educating yourself is key. Fortunately, free information abounds to help. Subscribe to the best mental health websites and tune into licensed mental health content creators on YouTube. Spend your time on the mat or the trail learning about what causes a fearful avoidant attachment style and listen to stories of others who have successfully overcome it. 

Finding the Right Combination of Techniques

The journey to healing a fearful avoidant attachment style looks slightly different for each traveler. Combining these techniques in a manner that serves you best is completely okay. There’s no one predefined path to healing. Educating yourself on what’s possible can help you decide the best route for you. 

Ways to Heal Fearful Avoidant Attachment

Your attachment style isn’t your fault. However, it’s still your responsibility to heal fearful avoidant attachment and learn how to connect positively with others to succeed in life. The method you choose is up to you, and a trained therapist can be a valuable partner in helping you overcome your hesitancy in relationships and form loving bonds.