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October is a beautiful month, filled with crisp air and cozy moments. But beyond the seasonal delights, it’s also ADHD Awareness Month. For millions of people worldwide, navigating life with ADHD presents unique challenges. This is also true for people dating a person with ADHD. You might feel confused, lost or even overwhelmed.
Remember that you’re not alone. With the right tools and mindset, you can build a strong, enduring connection with your loved one.
In simple words, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental health condition that affects an individual’s development and brain activity. This can manifest in many ways, but there are core symptoms that are commonly seen among people with ADHD, including impulse control problems and trouble paying attention.
Challenges are inevitable and every person with this condition is different, so dating someone with ADHD may be different depending on the symptoms, values and compatibility. However, it’s not entirely complicated.
In my case, it took me years to finally adapt to my partner’s behavior. I realized she’s sensitive — while I don’t consider it a negative trait, she’s perceptive of details I’d never notice. Another thing is she tends to forget what her topic was even before finishing it, which I find extremely funny.
When we finally lived together, we coordinated things like jobs, goals and the future. That’s when I noticed she’d promise things and not do most of them. She had difficulty prioritizing tasks and ended up cramming after a day. She would tell me her lengthy to-do list, and then the next day, she’d spend the whole day differently.
It was exciting yet frustrating. It was beautiful yet chaotic. At some point, I decided to read more about ADHD, which helped a lot. I was still frustrated sometimes, but I understood how she perceived the world differently.
My point is that dealing with a person with ADHD has ups and downs — and if you’re in for the ride, embrace it with an open mind.
As I mentioned before, people who date a person with ADHD will have varying experiences. However, we can monitor common behaviors that may strain relationships. Here are some examples to be wary of:
You’ve probably heard and even experienced this to some extent, but never really thought about it. The term “love bombing” now comes with a negative connotation because it’s usually used to manipulate or make the other person more dependent on you. However, it’s important to remember that not all people with ADHD have hidden motives when displaying love bombing.
In fact, they genuinely love and adore you. Sometimes, the ADHD brain may hinge on one particular thing — such as you — and become highly invested in you.
My partner once forgot our anniversary, not because she didn’t care but because it slipped her mind. She felt terrible about it, and the guilt was all-consuming, so she felt bad about it the whole day. This was not the first time she had forgotten about something, and I realized it was a common ADHD symptom. This condition causes significant deficits in working memory, making retaining information more challenging.
There was a time I felt unsupported because of this. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the relationship by constantly reminding her of appointments, and household tasks and initiating plans. However, with proper communication, everything can go smoothly.
People with ADHD tend to do or say things without thinking. One day, they may say something insensitive, and the next day, they may make a big purchase without considering their financial situation.
I’m a neat freak. I like things a certain way and finish my tasks on time. My partner is the opposite — she treats her stuff as a “creative mess” and is often late for appointments. She never noticed how unorganized she was until I pointed it out.
Your partner may either zone out in the middle of a conversation or unconsciously cut you off mid-sentence. It’s also common for people with ADHD to agree on something only to forget about it later on.
People with ADHD can hyperfocus on certain things. For instance, your partner is playing a video game and you try to get their attention, but you get no answer. While hyper focusing has its benefits, it may entail a few disadvantages. For example, your partner might stay up all night to binge-watch their favorite TV show, compromising their sleeping patterns.
Make your relationship work and thrive with these few tips.
Use objective statements when communicating your feelings to your partner. Rather than criticizing their behavior, explain how that certain behavior made you feel. For example, instead of saying “You’re ignoring me,” say something along the lines of “I feel ignored when I’m talking and you’re on your phone.”
Avoid being passive, as hidden feelings may grow, which is a form of dishonesty with yourself and your partner. Suppressing negative emotions can also manifest physically, such as anxiety, high blood pressure and depression.
Despite my partner’s tendency to forget dates and make a mess out of an organized place, I love how her infectious energy lights up a room. She has amazing problem-solving skills, which greatly complement my rather indecisive mind.
A simple praise has a mood-lifting effect that contributes to overall well-being. Take time to point out your significant other’s strengths. Adults with ADHD have lower self-esteem, which may lower their confidence when doing things. Pointing out their strengths is an excellent way to remind them that they’re more than their condition.
Boundaries are essential in any relationship. It’s a way to honor your and your partner’s values. Don’t be afraid to discuss your boundaries with your partner. This is a relationship, after all, and you both need mutual respect.
Remember that a happy and successful relationship involves patience and understanding. While navigating a relationship with someone who has ADHD can be challenging, it can also be incredibly rewarding. If there’s anything that I learned from this journey, it’s that love conquers all, even the most difficult challenges.
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