Could the lyricist behind Katy Perry’s “Hot N Cold” have written the song about you? If so, you may have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. Understanding why provides insights into your behavior and motivations.
Here’s how to know if you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style or share a relationship with someone who does. Fortunately, you can heal — let knowledge of attachment theory be your foundation for growth.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Humans are social creatures. Their earliest encounters with other people create a blueprint for how to behave. If those interactions are healthy, the chances the individual can go on to form mutually beneficial relationships with others later in life increase. However, if a child’s first experiences with other people are unpredictable, violent or neglectful, they may struggle to connect with others.
Attachment theory stems from the work of British psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. It asserts that the quality of the relationship you shared with your earliest caregivers forms a pattern for how you relate to others throughout your life.
What Is the Healthiest Attachment Style?
A secure style is the healthiest attachment style. Those with this style display empathy while maintaining firm boundaries. They’re confident and take ownership of their responsibilities instead of making excuses or seeking someone to blame. They’re comfortable expressing their needs in relationships and don’t get overly anxious when they must temporarily part.
What Are the Three Insecure Attachment Styles?
There are also three insecure attachment styles:
Someone with an anxious or preoccupied/anxious attachment style overly fixates on their partners. They can be overbearing, constantly demanding their partner spend time with them. They grow severely anxious when separated. They find it difficult to respect their partner’s boundaries, and their clinginess can cause problems.
Someone with an avoidant attachment style resists closeness and is extremely independent. They find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy and often flee from relationships before getting too close. They often prefer fleeting relationships to long-term ones. The closer their partner gets, the more they withdraw.
Finally, someone with a disorganized or fearful-avoidant attachment style doesn’t conform to either of the other insecure attachment styles but may demonstrate characteristics of both. At times, they may grow clingy. At others, they may actively push people away. Although it is the rarest attachment style, it can also be the most frustrating.
Why Does Your Attachment Style Matter?
Your attachment style matters because humans are such social creatures that struggling to relate to others affects every other aspect of life. For example, avoidant behaviors like ghosting people at work can get you fired, as can being too anxious, demanding perfection and too much of your supervisor’s time.
Your attachment style affects how you relate to your kids. For example, folks with an anxious style are likely to become “helicopter” parents, hovering over their child’s every action and failing to let them gain independence. Intimate relationship trouble, such as frequent breakups and divorce, inevitably affect other areas of your life.
What Type of Early Childhood Environment Is Most Likely to Result in a Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style?
A fearful-avoidant attachment style most often results when a child is born into a chaotic, unpredictable environment. Occasionally, their caregivers show love and attentiveness to their needs. However, they don’t behave this way consistently. Sometimes, they react to their child’s attempts at connection with violence or abusive language. Other times, they neglect or ignore the child’s needs.
This pattern often occurs in families where one or both caregivers struggle with substance abuse or have unaddressed trauma or mental health issues resulting in unpredictable behavior. Their own parents may have also modeled a fearful-avoidant style.
A fearful-avoidant attachment style can also develop in children where one parent is abusive. Although the other parent may try, it’s hard to behave consistently when in survival mode.
From the child’s perspective, it can seem as if nothing they do is right. Nothing results in the sense of connection they instinctively need, the confidence that the adults in their life protect them. They live in a perpetual state of uncertainty and fear.
Observing such youth when their caregivers enter or leave a room reveals the internal approach-avoidant conflict these children feel constantly. At times, they may barely seem to react to their parent’s presence or absence. During others, they may desperately cling to their caregiver’s side and go into hysterics if parted. Sometimes, they may throw a full-blown tantrum.
Can Your Attachment Style Change Throughout Life?
Fortunately, a fearful-avoidant attachment style is not your destiny — which is why educating yourself about these patterns is so vital. By recognizing the signs, you can take proactive steps to develop a healthier attachment style. You can also identify patterns in others, and while they may not choose to change, understanding what drives their behavior can help you relate to them more effectively.
5 Tips for Developing a Healthier Attachment Style
If you suspect you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, the following practices can guide you toward a more secure attachment pattern.
1. Find a Trauma-Informed Therapist
If you don’t work through your trauma, you will pass it on to others. In healing yourself, you aren’t being selfish or self-indulgent — you’re taking a necessary step to helping those around you be healthier, too.
Ideally, you can find a trauma-informed therapist to guide you toward a more secure attachment. However, don’t give up hope if you’re among the many who can’t afford the money or time for professional treatment. While it’s no substitute, you can find a host of online resources. For example, YouTube identifies channels run by licensed mental health practitioners, and watching their content can sometimes be every bit as healing as a couch session.
2. Start a Daily MIndfulness Practice
A daily mindfulness practice may look slightly different to various people. For some, it can mean sitting quietly on a meditation cushion for five minutes or longer, focusing on your breath. For others, it may mean flowing through a yoga sequence or taking a solo walk in nature.
3. Learn Effective Communication Skills
Fortunately, communication is a skill you can learn. Look into public speaking courses at local community colleges or join a group like Toastmaster’s International to learn how to phrase things assertively and respectfully.
4. Journal
Write about your childhood, how certain experiences made you feel, how you wish you had handled certain encounters — anything that encourages self-reflection. You can also use this safe space to explore how to better relate to others. For example, what are some different ways you could react if you suspected your partner of cheating? Write down several possible responses — which one serves you and has the best chance of preserving the relationship?
5. Associate With Safe, Healthy People
Finally, take new relationships slowly and gravitate toward those who seem safe and healthy. Doing so can feel awkward at first, especially if you also struggle with low self-esteem, thinking, “why would anyone who has it all together want to associate with me, anyway?”
Remember, the goal isn’t to become overnight BFFs. Start small, maybe asking a colleague who seems kind to lunch to share ideas about a mutual project. Don’t push a relationship with any one person but remain open to safe encounters with various people, gradually building a tribe whom you trust.
You can learn more about how to heal a fearful-avoidant attachment style in this video by licensed clinical psychologist Kim Sage:
https://youtu.be/JD_zD6BW6v0?si=Kz3jdRHYkXrjnAGc
The Underlying Causes of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Styles
A fearful-avoidant attachment style results from chaotic, unpredictable childhoods where vulnerable youth are unable to connect consistently and positively with their adult caregivers. This lack of ability to form secure bonds with others can plague them throughout life, haunting future relationships.
However, a fearful-avoidant attachment style is not your destiny. With insight, mindfulness and work, you can learn healthier ways to relate and form meaningful relationships.