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Everyone says that family is forever. I thought I would deal with the emotional damage of my family’s unhealthy dynamics for the rest of my life. After I started healing in therapy, I realized that going no contact was best. Making that decision was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but having an estranged family has been freeing. If you’ve ever thought you might feel the same way, you should learn more about the experience before making any big decisions.
Estranged families look different, depending on the reason behind the separation. Some people leave their loved ones and remain no contact forever. Others need extended breaks and eventually rekindle relationships with parents or siblings. You might also want to go no contact with a specific family member, but not everyone else.
People sometimes ask me how I knew I needed to leave my family. I often respond by talking about some of the things that contributed to my decision.
I used to think that childhood trauma was only physical or sexual assault. Emotional neglect counts, too. We often don’t even realize it exists until long after the damage happens. Emotional neglect occurs when someone invalidates your emotions, especially during childhood. They may dismiss your fears, belittle your anger, expect you to only be happy or pretend your needs never existed.
My mom used emotional neglect as her north star in our relationship. No matter what I went through, she used emotional neglect to avoid facing hard feelings or taking accountability for her actions. Anything I felt was seen as being manipulative or overly sensitive, which she continued believing until I left.
Toxic families often center around one person. We all existed to keep my mom happy. She wasn’t comfortable with anyone who was different from her, so family acceptance meant conforming to every aspect of her identity. When I couldn’t do that, I got pressured by my dad and siblings to put my mom’s needs first. If we remain in families where we can’t have even one authentic part of ourselves, the erasure becomes overwhelming.
My mom wasn’t the only person to ignore anything bad that happened to me. My other family members also followed in her footsteps, so they didn’t become the targets of her retribution. I learned from a young age that I had to go through everything alone, which made me feel like I didn’t belong. I haven’t felt like a member of my own family in decades, which wasn’t something I could ever fix by myself.
I thought there was something wrong with me for the longest time. Why was I the only one seemingly causing problems? When I started going to therapy and learned why my family felt so unhealthy, no one wanted to change how they interacted with me.
I asked my family members to reflect on our most recent fights and identify what led to them. They never wanted to accept the reasons behind our conflict, much less change how they treated our relationship. Healthy conflict ends with both people resolving the issue and looking for ways to grow. The goal is to avoid both the fight and what led to it. If only one person wants to change, nothing improves.
Suppressing yourself and feeling like you don’t belong in your family creates a pressure cooker atmosphere. Eventually, fights are going to erupt. If the existing toxic dynamics require making one person happy and not resolving conflict, the pressure begins building because nothing gets fixed. I felt like I couldn’t be myself, much less breathe or feel comfortable around my family members.
I let my family members know months before I left that things needed to change, or I wouldn’t be speaking with them anymore. Despite my best efforts, they didn’t care to do anything differently. I told them up front that I was not coming home again or speaking with them again, and no one asked me to stay.
Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’ve experienced so much joy since that day. I didn’t realize how much energy was going into the stress of keeping my mom happy. When I got that energy back, I felt excited to make friends for the first time since I was little. Relationships felt fulfilling and safe. Now, my life is full of people who never invalidate my feelings. They’re ready to support me, challenge me and love me for my authentic self.
Most importantly, I’m learning how to have healthy conflict. My friends work through problems with me and change when I tell them that something they’re doing is hurting me. The shared respect and equal adoration make me feel like I belong on this planet again.
Going no contact isn’t easy. Make sure you know how to take care of yourself if you decide that’s right for you.
My therapist has been invaluable. She supported me before, during and after leaving my family. With her help, I’ve learned to have grace with my unpacked feelings and grieve what could’ve been without self-criticism. Once you start your search for a good therapist, ask them if they have experience helping clients through your situation, especially if your estrangement has already started. They may specialize in toxic family dynamics or going no contact.
Experience in this area is important because a trained therapist can help you navigate whatever arrangement works best for you. If you need to learn how to set boundaries or hard limits if you decide to reconnect, your therapist will help you figure out your next steps.
I thought I was the only person in my community to leave their family, but I was wrong. As soon as I started telling people what I did, I learned that so many of them had been in the same place. Feeling less alone changed my initial estrangement experience. Talk about your plans with people and join online communities of people who have gone no contact. Even if you just read books about the topic, you should know that you’re not the first person to leave loved ones and feel all the complex emotions that follow.
I knew estrangement would be the best thing for me, but I was surprised that I needed to grieve the family I could’ve had. Similar stress from your estrangement experience could cause numerous physical side effects like stomach problems and sleep issues.
Be gentle with yourself. Rest, spend time with friends who recharge your spirit and process your feelings with a therapist. You may have emotional setbacks sometimes. Other days, you’ll feel like you’ve grown in leaps and bounds. Healing isn’t linear, so self-compassion is crucial throughout your journey.
You don’t have to stay with family members who treat you like garbage. I found more happiness and healing without mine in my life. Having an estranged family could be the best thing for you if you take your time, create a supportive community and find resources to help you along the way.
A 2022 YouGov poll found that 11% of people are estranged from their parents. However, the number could be higher because many people don’t talk about leaving their families, and the poll was not a national survey.
The signs of family estrangement change with each household, but they’re often things like boundary violations, communication breakdowns, physical or emotional distance and fights without resolutions for both parties.
Estrangement can end, but it depends on the people involved. If both parties become equally willing to reflect, change and leave toxic dynamics in the past, they may restart their relationships. If only one person wants to change, the estrangement may last forever.
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