How to Ask for What You Want in Bed
We are reader-supported. When you buy through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission.
When you roll out of bed in the morning, you probably don’t have any noteworthy problems with asking your significant other to help you out by brewing the coffee or moving the clothes out of the dryer. But when you get home for the day, unwind with your partner and kick-start a little romance, do you suddenly lose your voice? Perhaps you haven’t learned yet how to ask for what you want in bed!
Why is it so difficult to make a request in the bedroom? After all, you (hopefully) trust your partner and know that getting what you want is probably only a few simple words away. Yet when the time comes to get busy in bed, you still find yourself struggling to bring your desires to fruition.
If you’re struggling to find your voice when it comes to sex, you’re not alone. Many women experience difficulties with discussing sex-related matters, and it’s an important issue that needs to be addressed. Take the stress out of the question of how to ask for what you want in bed by following these simple steps.
Figure out What You Want First
If you’re not sure what gets you excited, how can you really expect your partner to know for you? In fact, your cluelessness may be the most significant barrier keeping you from getting what you want and need.
Roughly 70-90% of women report not being able to experience an orgasm from penetration alone, so it may be up to you to take matters into your own hands — literally — and start learning more about what you like on, ehem, your own time 😉
Engage in experimentation with your partner as well as on your own to find out what makes you feel the best. When you know your body from the inside out, it’s easier to understand what it takes to successfully find pleasure.
If you’re someone who’s shy about sex-related discussion or are not too sure how to ask for what you want in bed, the idea of addressing your desires outright may be terrifying. Needless to say, “I want you to go down on me more often” isn’t always the most natural thing to say as your partner takes their first sip of OJ in the morning.
While spelling out each sexual desire may work for some people, it might not be the best approach for you. When your partner does something you do like in the bedroom, be sure to make your satisfaction verbally known in the moment. Once you get more comfortable taking small steps like this, it may become easier to assert yourself more directly whenever necessary.
Shed the Social Stigma
We live in a world where sexual confidence was once a characteristic seemingly reserved for men. But not anymore!
For far too long, women were led to believe that their pleasure had to take a backseat to their partner’s desires. In fact, research studies show that nearly 30% of women experience pain or discomfort during sex — and suffer in silence.
Sex is a great thing, which means it should never hurt. Many women fear that if they tell their partner when they don’t like a certain position or that they’re experiencing discomfort, they’ll take offense. What’s more important, however, is doing what feels best for you.
Remember that reciprocal and mutually beneficial sex is an important part of life. While it’s just as important that you care about your partner’s needs as your own, you can’t expect to enjoy sex when you’re always, always, always putting someone else’s needs before your own. It’s important that you and your partner work to find your balance.
Take the Pressure Out of the Conversation with a Text
For many people, having a serious talk in-person can be intimidating. If you find your cheeks turning a rosy red whenever the word “sex” comes up in a conversation, the idea of having an entire chat about what makes you aroused may be too much. But luckily, nowadays, there are plenty of communication methods available to effectively get your point across.
A simple text can help you open the pathways for small talk that can lead to quick and to-the-point discussions on your desires. As a bonus, you can carefully plan out what you want to say — avoiding the embarrassment that happens while stumbling over your words during an uncomfortable conversation in person.
Not sure how to ask for what you want in bed but still want to let your partner know what turns you on? Sending a racy text to your partner during the day may just have them running home to you to bring your fantasies to life.
Don’t Underestimate the Importance of Sexual Compatibility
Some of the most critical early red flags in relationships to be on the lookout for focus on sexual dominance, selfishness or pressure. If your partner pressures you into sex or guilt trips you into doing sexual acts that make you uncomfortable, it can cause you to feel substantial doubt about your sexual confidence and desires.
On the other hand, you shouldn’t be pressuring your partner into anything uncomfortable either. It’s important for both of you to be relatively open to the idea of trying out new things in the name of bringing each other greater pleasure, but setting boundaries is just as significant.
If you keep finding that your sexual preferences are clashing, it may be time to have a serious discussion about your relationship before you both experience more disappointment later on down the road. Yes, sex can be that important — again, it’s all about what kinds of people you and your partner are.
Learning How to Ask for What You Want in Bed
Although it would make life easier if they had a sexual sixth sense, your boyfriend or girlfriend simply isn’t a mind reader. Luckily, sometimes all it takes to enjoy the ultimate pleasure is to first educate yourself on how to overcome shyness in the bedroom, and then open up those pathways of communication.