Back when I was talking to people solely to find romance, I always wondered why I felt both attraction and fear when forming a relationship. I eventually ended these endeavors and decided that it wasn’t worth really actively pursuing. Later, when I got into a relationship, we discussed attachment styles. It turns out that I had disorganized fearful-avoidant attachment styles. 

Finding out that I had these certain characteristics made me feel seen, but almost just way too perceived by others. I didn’t realize how much of my life was affected by these conflicting emotions that I had. But thankfully, I did learn how to manage them. 

The Exact Definition of Disorganized Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style

Disorganized, fearful-avoidant attachment style, also called disorganized attachment or fearful-avoidant attachment, involves mixed feelings of craving closeness but feeling uneasy when it’s brought up. In the dating world, it’s often dubbed as one of the toughest attachment styles to deal with because of how unpredictable the behaviors can be. 

I didn’t know how to feel about being one of the most difficult people ever at first, but it was a little comforting to know I wasn’t alone. An expert says that up to roughly 40% of adults exhibit this attachment style. 

How This Differs from Other Attachment Styles

There is a world of all kinds of attachment styles, and it took me a little while to figure out how unique disorganized attachment really was. Here’s how I understand it: 

Avoidant Attachment

An avoidant attachment style entails people who are just completely afraid of intimacy, which makes them push people away. It swings toward the more extreme side of the fearful-avoidant attachment style, which made me think during my earlier years that I fell on this part of the spectrum. 

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Dismissive-avoidant is probably the closest attachment style to disorganized attachment. Those who experience these find themselves struggling with accepting intimacy as they suppress their own emotions and avoid engaging in conversations. However, I frame this more as them making a conscious effort to give up on relationships. 

Anxious Attachment

An anxious attachment style, sometimes called fearful-anxious or preoccupied-anxious style, means feeling incredibly uneasy when separated from their partner. This is the opposite of avoidant attachment and is at the other end of the spectrum from disorganized attachment. I’ve felt this already with people I feel safe with. 

Ambivalent Attachment

Ambivalent attachment is a unique case of seeking affection in a relationship while also having some level of distrust toward the partner. It’s like feeling almost secure, but constantly worrying whether your partner reciprocates. Disorganized attachment is different, as the worry is more likely triggered.  

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment is the ideal attachment style people tend to work toward. It usually means inviting intimate relationships while being entirely your own person, which means your feelings aren’t necessarily reliant on your partner. At the same time, people of this style are excellent at communicating their feelings. 

My Experience with Navigating Disorganized Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style 

Dealing with disorganized attachment can only be described as juggling both anxious and avoidant behaviors, and I wasn’t necessarily the best juggler. I would lean toward one side where I relied on my partner on some days. On others, I would kind of push them away. 

At first, I would argue that those shifts would happen for good reason. However, after plenty of self-reflection, I guess there were kinds of unexplainable patterns occurring, and it wasn’t entirely my ex-partner’s fault at the time. 

Though, because he was so toxic, I didn’t think I need to fix anything. I’m part of the 44% of people who believe that being married isn’t too important for living a fulfilling life, so I was fine with living the way I was—in a confusing mess, unable to juggle.  

But the truth is, this kind of behavior was seeping into friendships and familial relationships. And when I finally met someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, it truly was time to cope and change. 

Coping with the Disorganized Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

Working on disorganized attachment is not a one-and-done thing. I’d even argue that I’m still trying to improve now, but the progress has been great. Here’s what worked for me:

1. Working on Better Self-Awareness

Talking to yourself might seem a little weird, but it definitely makes you gain more insight about yourself and figure out what you need to grow and change. Journaling is my preferred method for this, and I sometimes create two separate lines of dialog, but you’re more than welcome to explore other methods for you. 

2. Learning to Be More Self-Compassionate

One thing that most people underestimate with disorganized attachment is just how much negative self-talk is involved. I’ve been through periods in my life when I didn’t think I deserved a loving relationship, and those urges can still surface even in healthy relationships where everything is going well.

It helped to be kinder to myself, whether it’s like complimenting good decisions I’ve made or affirming that I deserve good things. I also counter negative thoughts with positive ones, like the fact that the people in my life have made a conscious effort to learn and love me. 

3. Communicating with My Partner

Being open or vulnerable with my partner isn’t second nature to me. It’s something that I’ve kind of pushed myself to do, as they deserve to know the truth about how I feel. They have a fearful-anxious attachment style, so we’re both going out of our comfort zones to reassure one another, especially when any issues arise.   

4. Getting Therapy

I have tried therapy in the past, and it was a great tool on my journey to figuring myself out. I’m also open to getting it again, whether alone or with my partner. After all, going through couples therapy makes one better at terminating problems compared to up to 80% of individuals not receiving therapy. 

5. Juggling for Balance

Now that I’ve kind of pulled myself out of being a little more avoidant, the main goal is to avoid being too fearful. I wouldn’t want to be too codependent on my partner, so I try to focus on things outside our relationship and on myself, like my hobbies and activities that make me feel confident. 

Approaching Relationships with Care

Realizing I have a disorganized, fearful-avoidant attachment style sent me on an emotional roller coaster, but I got to know myself deeper and improved how I handle relationships. I hope you can try some of the coping strategies that worked for me, and even share them with someone you love.