What is vanilla sex? The Urban Dictionary defines it as sex that involves no twists or kinkiness, with no S&M involved. In other words, it’s conventional sex as it was for generations and likely will be for many more, depending on what individuals and sexual partners choose or prefer. The term has unfairly taken on a somewhat negative context as the years roll on.
On seeing a reference to ‘vanilla sex,’ too many people, especially from younger generations, immediately associate it with being boring and tedious. In the same way, if you practice vanilla sex as a rule, you might think of sadomasochism (S&M), for example, as freakish or unnatural. Either way, it’s a matter of perspective, and vanilla sex and sexual categories like S&M both have their places in society.
Let’s Talk About (Vanilla) Sex, Baby
So you now know vanilla sex is conventional, right? But what is “conventional” these days? The acceptable “conventional” element likely includes more varied bedroom activity nowadays than in the days of yore. As such, the current idea of what “vanilla sex” includes or doesn’t include differs somewhat from decades ago. You might gain a better understanding of this from the answers to some specific questions:
Does Being Vanilla Mean Only Having One Partner?
At a time? Yes, in most cases. Swinging, threesomes and gang bangs aren’t usually vanilla activities, but again, this is a gray area. If you’re taking vanilla sex in a purely physical context, more than two people can probably engage in conventional penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex in the same room. Yes, swingers swap sexual partners but might only partake in vanilla sexual activities after doing so.
Let’s explore this idea further. A ménage à trois is a committed domestic relationship in which three people live together polyamorously. Does this mean they’re all involved sexually together at once? Not necessarily, but even if it does, and there’s a limit to their level of kinkiness, they could enjoy, by definition, vanilla sex. However, their relationship, in itself, may not be vanilla.
Is Vanilla Sex Only the Missionary Position?
Not at all, although it might be in some relationships. As long as you’re having sex conventionally, you can do it in many positions in the Kama Sutra and still practice vanilla sex, provided you’re only doing it with a single sexual partner at once, though.
Does Vanilla Involve Oral?
It certainly can, but it doesn’t mean it will. A couple living together in a vanilla relationship, meaning the pair exclusively enjoy each other’s sexual company, might indulge in cunnilingus, fellatio, mutual masturbation and other forms of foreplay before or during their sex or lovemaking. People widely accept these activities as part of a vanilla sexual process.
Enjoying your partner’s company in and outside the bedroom improves the foreplay activities you’ll enjoy together in bed. Increasing your non-sexual intimacy will encourage greater levels of sexual connectivity. Learning to speak your partner’s love language is only one way to improve your passion and experimentation between the sheets.
Do Vanilla Sexual Partners Watch Porn?
You’ll find many do. Watching porn together is more acceptable nowadays than it was during the 70s when the kink community reputedly coined the term ‘vanilla sex’ to describe bland sexual activity.
Nowadays, watching ‘normal’ porn as a couple is acceptable as part of foreplay, with many sexual partners using it to explore their sexual horizons and stimulate themselves and each other in the lead-up to further sexual activities. If you’re watching more extreme porn videos, even if you don’t act them out in your sexual activities, you’re likely bordering on losing your vanilla status. If you watch porn alone, this often isn’t regarded as a vanilla sexual activity.
Can Vanilla Include Toys?
Yes, in the same way that mutual masturbation is a vanilla sex activity, using dildos or vibrators together as a couple is part of vanilla sexual activity. There is a fine line here, though. As a heterosexual partner, using a sex toy on your partner anally is not viewed as a vanilla activity. Not yet, at any rate. In the same way, a male performing an anal sex act on his female partner goes beyond vanilla sex boundaries.
So Anal Sex is Not Vanilla?
Anal penetration between heterosexuals isn’t vanilla sex. Still, the natural anal act between a gay couple is regarded as a vanilla activity, just as vaginal sex of any form between a lesbian couple is. Most members of the LGBTQ+ community don’t use the term, however, due to its long-standing negative connotations.
When vanilla sex got its name, and for decades after that, gay and lesbian sex didn’t fit into the category. Having multiple simultaneous gay or lesbian partners is still not viewed as vanilla sex.
Is Food Play a Vanilla Activity?
If you’re involving vanilla ice cream, it will be in a roundabout way! No, using food in your sexual activities, even as a committed couple, you’re crossing vanilla boundaries. Food fetishes, along with the use of ropes, whips, chains, wax and bodily fluids, are not vanilla sex components. In the same way, masochistic and sadistic sexual practices go beyond what is deemed vanilla.
Is Being Vanilla Boring?
After reading the previous answers, you’ll likely already know the answer. All sex is potentially dull if you do it with the wrong person. If you’re with somebody who you gel with physically, emotionally and intellectually, the sexual act will likely be exhilarating and arousing. It won’t matter whether you involve whips and chains, hot wax or sex toys.
Essentially, you can have sex, and you can make love. Suppose you have specific kinks and fetishes and are in bed with a partner for some physical action only. In this case, you’re more likely to find vanilla sex tedious if your partner isn’t responding positively to your more adventurous suggestions.
However, if you’re involved and have an emotional and intellectual bond with a long-term partner, you’ll find that bond extends to compatibility between the sheets. An element of lovemaking exists in your sexual activity, and be it vanilla or not, you’ll enjoy the experience and won’t be boring at all. If you’re still sexually unhappy and turned off in this scenario, you might likely want to schedule some quality time together and rekindle your relationship.
More Than Sex: Is Vanilla a Way of Life?
You might have already become aware of the distinction made between vanilla sex and a vanilla relationship. Even if you’re practicing S&M or playing with food in every room of your house with a sole committed partner, you’re in a vanilla relationship. Your sexual activity might be anything but vanilla, but you’re happy and content as a couple.
You and your partner may not be exclusive. You may swing or sleep with others, with or without permission. If you’re doing this, even if you’re sticking to oral and PIV sex, your relationship is not vanilla. Your sexual activity is, though, and it’s likely not boring.
If you remove any public negative connotations involving the word ‘vanilla,’ you’ll appreciate that there’s nothing wrong with being in a vanilla relationship or practicing vanilla sex. If these are both good, you’re in a position in life that many can only dream of.
